The Third Annual Baltimore Beauty Pageant by Lucrezia Blozia

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Charm City has never been so charming as it was on Saturday, November 30, 2013 at the Third Annual Baltimore Beauty Pageant. Hosts – the gorgeous Mr. Gorgeous and little (and also gorgeous) Trixie Little – transformed Baltimore’s Ottobar into a regular pageant palace, Hon!

Kay Sera, Sunny Sighed, Valeria Voxx, and Ruby Rockafella. Photo by David Wright.
Kay Sera, Sunny Sighed, Valeria Voxx, and Ruby Rockafella. Photo by Richard Just.

Five lovely ladies brought their best B’more games to battle for the coveted ‘Queen of Crabs’ title. Following proper pageant protocol we were introduced to our contestants in their formal wear – Ruby Rockafella in a lawn flamingo headdress and skirt adorned with 45s, Lady Miz Scarlett in a Poe-inspired mask and lace catsuit, Valeria Voxx also sporting a flamingo headdress and Natty Boh bustier, Sunny Sighed – who decided to go for the Natty Boh tiara and whose gown was adorned with crabs and cans of Old Bay seasoning, and Kay Sera who was dressed as Fifi the Pink Poodle, mascot of the American Visionary Museum’s Kinetic Sculpture Race

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For the interview portion of the pageant, each contestant had a session on the hot seat (an onstage crimson toilet) where they were asked three very Baltimore-centric questions – i.e. “What would you serve at a cocktail party John Waters is attending?” – by judges, restauranter Karen Fuller Tiffany, salon owner Nikki Verdecchia, and drag performer Joe Meduza.

Each contestant also had to complete a ‘Crab Claw Challenge’ where they had to put their arms through a crab-shaped yolk and use “crab claws” – or those things you use to get stuff down from the high shelf with foam crab claws at the end – to complete thematically appropriate tasks like feeding Mistress of Cermonies Trixie Little an Utz potato chip or pouring her a beer … Natty Boh, of course.

The most fun was of course the talent competition. Ruby Rockafella rocked a burlesque number that included freeing crabs from her crab cage. Lady Miz Scarlett performed a bellydance number inspired by Edgar Allan Poe’s The Masque of the Red Death. Valeria Voxx performed burlesque and glass walking and then had a rather large man stand on her back and the back of her head while she lay in a pile of broken glass. Sunny Sighed premiered Egg Man the Opera – a tribute to John Waters’ Diva Edith Massey with a little help from Rodgers and Hammerstein (Would have loved to see Carrie Underwood try this!).

Kay Sera also went John Waters with an homage to various cinematic highpoints in the career of Divine including the finale of Pink Flamingos. Being of a certain statuesque stature I can see pretty well and I had audience members asking me “Did she …?” “Uh huh, be glad you’re short” I replied.

The contestants weren’t the only ones performing either. The first Queen of Crabs, Crystal Dangsheskansky, showed us how it’s done with a trailer park belly dance, Broadway Brassy sang the official? Queen of Crabs songs that would have shamed Bert Parks, and our hosts Trixie Little and Mister Gorgeous performed impressive aerial/partner balancing feats looking like the burlesque superheroes they are – in their matching blue and white starred spandex.

And then the moment we were all waiting for – the winner of the 2013 Baltimore Beauty Pageant is.. Miss Sunny Sighed!

Trixie Little, Eric Gorsuch, Valeria Voxx, winner Sunny Sighed, and Kay Sera. Photo by David Wright.
Trixie Little, Eric Gorsuch, Valeria Voxx, winner Sunny Sighed, and Kay Sera. Photo by David Wright.

The ceremony concluded with Sunny being – um – pretty graphically reborn – I guess is the nicest way to put it – as the Queen of Crabs.

The show was a great celebration of Charm City and the unique creativity and talent that comes from there! And don’t feel sad if you missed it because there’s always next year.

Here’s a video by Rob Hatch of the evening’s festivities. This video is neither safe for work nor for the faint of heart and definitely not for anyone under 18 (or 21 depending on your state). It includes partial nudity and homages to John Waters. Remember what’s been seen cannot be unseen.

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And Trixie and Mr. Gorgeous will be coming back December 19 – 21st for Trixie and Monkey’s 9th Annual Holiday Spectac-U-Thon at the Creative Alliance. For more info check www.trixielittle.com,  and keep it classy, Hon!