‘Take One Shot for the Pain: The Characters of ‘Stone Tape Party’ as Cocktails By Angela Pirko

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One thing is true about the ladies of the Stone Tape Party house – they love their alcohol. A lot. A lot a lot.

As we invite you onstage next week to party with us, why not try some of these fancy, Stone Tape-inspired cocktails at home on your own first to get you into the mood?

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YOU WILL NEED:
A cocktail shaker
-Ice

Note from Rich: You don’t really need a cocktail shaker. Just pour that shit in a glass and drink it. Don’t be such a prude.

THE DUSTY
3 oz vodka (cheap)
1 oz vermouth (also cheap)
Olives (which you probably don’t even like anyway)

Fill a cocktail shaker with ice. Pour in vodka and vermouth, cover, and shake well for 30 seconds. Pour into martini glass and add olives. Pray that this gives you the satisfaction in life you so desperately crave and will help you escape your incessant ennui and anxiety. Sip, gag, and hate it immediately. Abandon it and go for a good, solid beer instead. After about 3 beers, accept that you as you are okay. Then remake (with high quality ingredients this time) and enjoy. Caution: too many may cause hallucinations. At least, you really hope they’re hallucinations…

THE JODIE
3 oz tequila
A splash of champagne
1 oz lime juice
1 oz limoncello

Fill a cocktail shaker with ice. Add tequila, champagne, lime juice, and limoncello. Cover and shake until well-mixed, about 30 seconds. Strain into a glass. Drink straight up – because you’re like, so hetero – while lovingly calling people (especially certain idiots, Dusty) out on their shit and worrying incessantly about your best friend (if only they would stop giving you cause for concern – again, Dusty). Do not fall in love while drinking this.

THE ZOE
3 oz champagne
1 oz vodka (as classy as you like)
3 oz blood orange soda
A splash of lemon juice

Fill a cocktail shaker with ice. Add champagne, vodka, blood orange soda, and lemon juice, cover, and shake until well-mixed, about 30 seconds. Strain into a highball glass (sugar rim recommended). Sip confidently, because you are a classy, savvy go-getter who has gotten past a messy period in her life and is looking forward to some smooth sailing from here on out – hopefully with a wonderful partner by your side!

THE BASIE
4 oz whiskey
1 oz simple syrup
1 oz lime juice
1 oz peach schnapps

Fill a cocktail shaker with ice. Add whiskey, simple syrup, lime juice, and peach schnapps, cover, and shake until well-mixed, about 30 seconds. Strain into a plastic solo cup because who has time for glass? Drink dazzlingly, smiling seductively at the most attractive person nearby, before getting up on a table and dancing like there’s no tomorrow. Insist the music wherever you are be switched to jazz immediately. Have far too many of these and take at least 3 people home with you.

THE KAT
3 oz bourbon
2 oz grapefruit soda
1 oz simple syrup
1 oz grenadine

Fill a cocktail shaker with ice. Add bourbon, soda, syrup, and grenadine, cover, and shake until well-mixed, about 30 seconds. Strain into a glass. Drink during an awkward moment reliving unhappy memories with your ex-lover while still maintaining your composure, because damn it you grew up and are beyond this now. Finish it coolly and collectedly, while congratulating yourself on being the bigger person. Call your ex-lover later and end up giving it another shot.

THE RICH
3 oz vodka
1 can of Red Bull

Pour vodka and Red Bull in a plastic solo cup. Drink while glaring at morons and refusing to put up with their time-wasting nonsense, picking your drunk friends up off the floor, fending off creepers, and charming that hot newcomer across the room. What? You’re good at multi-tasking. And someone has to take care of these idiots.

THE AEDAN
3 oz vodka
1 oz triple sec
1 oz Elderflower liqueur
1 oz lemon juice
A splash of tonic water

Fill a cocktail shaker with ice. Add gin, triple sec, vodka, lemon juice, and tonic water, cover, and shake until well-mixed, about 30 seconds. Strain into a glass. Drink while reliving the good old days with your best friend, then abandon nostalgia and coax your friend into hitting on that tasty piece they have their eyes on. Encourage any and all bad behavior that also benefits you. Caution: may make you feel insubstantial, as if perhaps you’re not really there…

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Stone Tape Party plays from January 21-February 7, 2015 at Nu Sass Productions performing at Atlas Performing Arts’ Lab Theatre II -1333 H Street NE, in Washington, DC. For tickets, purchase them online.